The Avengers & Co. as Shit My Friends Have Said

i-larb-you:

Tony Stark:

• “My life is an ‘oops’ command.”
• “Oh boy, 3am! Except you don’t get krabby patties you just get… depression.”
• “Wake up America, science is gay.”
• “Purgatory is hell for basic bitches.”
• “How high would I have to drop 280 bananas for it to kill me?”
• “I’m depressed, stressed, and ready to diiiiiiiiiiiie.”
• “Knock knock. Who’s there? Is that the depression?”
• “Shhh let me blame my Irresponsible sleeping habits on the sex squirrels.”
• “Stop objectifying me. Or don’t, I’m not really sure.”
• “Just let me do the alcohol!”
• “I peaked as a zygote.”
• “I’m not a person, I’m more of a sad sack of pasta.”

• “Scientifically, dude, that’s big dick energy. Trust me, I know. I’m a science major.”

Steve Rogers:

• “Just because you AmeriCAN doesn’t mean you AmeriSHOULD.”
• *eating a peanut butter pie from Wegman’s* “I’ve never had sex, but this has to be better.”
• “Have you ever been on the lam?”
• “LETS GO AMERICA WHAT A TIME TO BE GAY”
• “I had sex with a girl once. And by sex I mean I stared at her until she got uncomfortable.”
• “Not with money, with my fists.”
• “Use your penis wisely!”
• “I’m a human icepack! It’s fine!”

Natasha Romanoff:

• “It’s not murder if the ice cream does it.”
• “I’m a certified bitchTM.”
• *said with hella shade* “Honey, I knew you in 2015 and you did not look like that.”
• “All you need is Disney World and sex, preferably sex at Disney World.”
• “I am a little petite skinny-ass white bitch and I’m not scared of Chicago. It’s not that scary!”

Clint Barton:

• “Wine is like the liquid ghosts of dead grapes.”
• “TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!“
• “You sent her over here to touch me!”
• “Caw-caw bitch!”
• “This is why I love being on the floor. I can spread out like a starfish.”
• “I’m gonna eat in the sammich.”

Bruce Banner:

• “You know what, if it doesn’t work out, I’m just gonna move to Peru and be a goat farmer.”
• “By default that makes you 10% less smarter.”
• “Sometimes I wish I was a platypus.”
• “You are not you when you’re Snickers.”
• “Chem is basically memorization and math… Bio is all memorization and physics is all math… oh my god.”

• “Like, 27% of the time, I just wanna drop everything and go live alone in a cave just to avoid people, you know?”

Thor:

• “Bagels are the only things that should be separate but equal.”
• “It doesn’t make sense… but I understand.”
• “I have the power of God and Potassium on my side!!!!!”
• “The only thing we snort is the smell of old books.”
• “Whoooaaaaa… Lip syncing is just air vocals.”
• “Deer are basically just giant horse dogs.”
• “OUT OF THE 1 UNIVERSE 9 PLANETS 7 SEAS SEVEN CONTINENTS 809 ISLANDS AND 208 COUNTRIES U HAVE TO THROW ME UNDER THE BUS!”

Sam Wilson:

• “Everything you need to know in life you can learn from two movies: The Lion King and The Godfather.”
• “The government didn’t invent birds!”
• “I can feel the racism, it’s radiating. Like greenhouse gasses.”
• “People don’t think shit be like it do, but it do.”
• “Can I offer you an earbud in these trying times?”

Wanda Maximoff:

• “This bitch has glowing eyes!… This bitch! Has glowing eyes!!!”
• “I’m not a virus, guys. You can sit down.”
• “I’m having a hard time existing today.”

Rhodey:

• “I want a gun that shoots tiny guns that shoots tiny guns that shoots tiny bullets.”
• “Step 1: Apply physical contact to the friend area.”
• “I got bitch-slapped by Jesus on a roller-coaster.”

Vision:

• “Am I a Barbie doll or a Tonka truck?”
• “It’s a Girl Scout badge for my brain.”
• “I feel weird without my butt.”
• “I am fake people.”
• “It was dabomb dot… edu. I’m educated.”
• “I guess I’m a plant. *Holds out arms and looks to the sun* PHOTOSYNTHESIS!!”

Peter Parker:

• “Look, all of the money we’re not spending on alcohol… we can spend on fruit snacks.”
• “Chicken is just an evolved egg.”
• “Guys… I can feel that apple juice in my nose.”
• “What if you had hot dogs for arms?”
• “Guys… what if you woke up one day and had dick fingers?”
• “This bitch cute… YEET!”
• “Snocks.”

• *Encouraging friend to eat a brownie* “Oh, come on! We don’t have to worry about heart disease for a few more decades!”

• “The only thing I have ever used my twitter for was to live tweet high school musical at the ten year reunion, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

• *takes a long sip of a Capri Sun* “You gotta fuck the system… before the system… fucks you.”

Loki:

• “I can stab Anyone with Anything because I believe in Jesus Christ.”
• “I am uncultured, I am swine, get the fuck over it.”
• “I have two emotions: harp and hatred.”
• “I’m feeling very stabby.”

Pepper Potts:

• “I’m officially The Business BitchTM.”
• “Oh good. Oh grand. Oh fuck my life.”
• *distressed* “I can’t eat. I’m a woman.”

Bucky Barnes:

• “We are all the murder scarf.”
• *when asked how they got a smoothie* “I killed a man.”
• “I’ll have you know, I am the resident fish.”
• “Who I am I?”
• *happily* “Looks like there’s some internal bleeding going on.”
• “Oh look! Dead people.”

• “You look like you murdered the Cookie Monster!”

Scott Lang:

• “What if I did an armed robbery… but instead of asking for money, I ask for cellos.”